So I get up…drink the magic citrus water waiting for my body to be rehydrated and get going….do something different….drink water…I then go unenthusiastic to my 3ft x3ft square allocated mine in our communal garden…so I throw couple bags of compost over last year’s dried out soil…planted some carrots, lettuce and onions and a meadow mix of flowers at the edge…I must’ve lasted half hour…I then sat down with my coffee, o had taken with me and put some Celtic music on which the. Brought on floods of tears???? I cried out to god to help me last night…nothing…I keep waiting on this magic day where I will wake.up and be happy…it’s not going to happen..common sense in the midst of this thick grey flog still pops up it’s annoying head and crashes me back to earth…am not going to wake up a good person, am not going to wake up full of faith, am not going to wake up to a perfect life…I need to work at it…but in midst of depression and anxiety how can you pull yourself together and even start to think about Getty your life together…anti depressants I can’t take another 6 weeks of a new medicine a to kick in again…I have been asking myself a lot lately what kind of person do I Want to be? I know who I don’t want to be…me! So what is it I dislike about myself…my face, my body, my skin, my eyes my teeth, my chin, my neck my breasts my tum, my bum, my thighs, my stretch marks, my dry feet, and my long overgrown toenails…so where do I start eh? What do you do when you are screaming inside to be rid of this body and mind…how do you start afresh.
Pressed publish to quick! I seem to be one of these people who need a rocket up their ass to get them moving. I have all the motivation in my head and ideas on how to drastically change my life. It’s like when searching for yoga beginners on you tube and then discover you have lost an hour searching i.e. watching fit, healthy, have it all kind of people dancing their way through and hour of cheesy music telling you what a fantastic life you will have if you could just get your ass up and moving. I also discover I have usually ate and watched at the same time. Other days I say, just change one thing, that’s all! Do something different. So yesterday I go right! Am going to go buy much needed gardening supplies and “do something different” those gardening supplies are now sitting in the “garden” i.e. dry soil with weeds and I am thinking of going to Wilko’s to take up crafting! It would be much easier. My mum said to me when I was really quite young and some failed story writing project or another attempt at knitting a scarf had left me frustrated, my mum said,”there’s no point in you doing anything, you never finish nothing!” And looking back this was a life changing moment, I think this is where I maybe lost hope! Or motivation or the point in anything? How can I go back to what must’ve been my 8-10yr old self and rewire my thinking? I don’t know?? Any advice? Anyone??? Is anyone even listening????
So me and my partner are literally at breaking point. On Monday I had till 5pm to leave which then came to 5 on today, Friday! So I have literally 7 minutes to leave…the thing is he loves me and I love him…he didn’t want me to go and I don’t want to go but we have literally built up a wall where we can’t to… obviously there’s more than just me going..
What do I know for sure? Oprah Winfrey. What do we know for sure? Really know for certain beyond all doubt? There is nothing….I have been asking myself this for months…what do I know for sure? The only thing I could come up with is my mother’s love…I know and know first hand, that no matter what I do, no matter what I mess up what I achieve, how many times i fail, my mothers love will always remain. What do you know for sure? Please comment I am genuinely interested in other people’s answers xx
So it’s 13.45 the day is half way done and any motivational, inspirational stuff I read yesterday has flew quickly out the window. Let love and kindness be the motivation in all you do! How did I become so selfish? Is even a selfless act really selfless when the motivation behind it is always to make yourself feel good? It’s true? It’s the payoff? Why do we do anything if not for some kind of pay off? I have went through a list of personality traits ones I think I have according to my significant other I don’t have half as many I thought I do….but then we are barely speaking to the each other now a days! And if so it’s through gritted teeth! Are we the only ones hating each other? How are marriages surviving? Is it just us? Why is it that so many relationships have fell apart while others have survived and thrived? I never really really knew the saying bored to tears was actually a physical state you can be in? Bored to tears I have been bored to the point I have found myself rocking on the bathroom floor..ah the bathroom my new sanctuary! I really wish I could go in and not come out! I have developed the belief that as humans a 4ft x 5ft room is sufficient enough space…it’s that bad I have had numerous upset stomachs requiring lots of “me” time conveniently in the bathroom….
I don’t! And I know I don’t! I feel like the line from Katy Perry roar…I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything. I want to know myself and know what i stand for and what I won’t, I seem to have lost this or tbh I don’t think I ever knew? They say your twenties are for finding yourself? So what happens when you find yourself, pregnant at 19 and find yourself a mum for next 19 years and then your left alone with your thoughts and no identity. Have I ever really sat down and thought about who I really am and what type of person I am? I once went to church and was happy, now I don’t know? I want to believe and I want to have faith but in this day and age I don’t know? I have as so confident and at we one point there was a higher power and still believe there is but is it a God? I do not know? I am more leaning towards like “mother nature” it’s not actually a “mother” like a woman in the sky somewhere but it’s a real thing or a real force, maybe it’s the same with God, the force of us i.e. energy, karma our “souls” is God but not so much in physical sense of someone in heaven and maybe ghosts etc are just energy left over? Just some thing I think about! I just want peace of mind and to know who a am…does anyone have any thoughts?